hatred

Assalamualaikum,

I recall that moment, when someone taught me 1 thing that I am still learning till now.... hatred

(Kita hanya mampu benci perangai dia, bukan orangnye)

I'm not a saint, even though I tried many times to accept that person as who he is and whom he is becoming, but due to his past mistakes... everytime I look at him, that anger and disgusted feelings keep crawling back inside of me. I know, people make mistakes... and I make mistakes... so this is just the nature of life. but.....

He made 1 huge mistake, and we confronted each other. I cried bitterly and speechless looking at the sin they had done. and he cried bitterly thinking about how stupid of him to make those mistakes.... we reconciled... but after a few month, i caught him red-handed, that he was doing it all over again.

So, what is the meaning of atonement??
How many times should he be doing the same mistakes until he learned his lesson?
And how long should a person atone for their mistakes, that we can actually see that they are regreting it?

That is why I had enough of saying, "aku tak layak benci org sbb aku pn bukannya baik sgt..."
Now... I hate him, and I am declaring that I could not stand being near him....

But, deep inside, I still want to save this soul... but, how? with repetition of the same mistakes... again and again... Am I that strong enough to uphold the same feelings of pity and regrets??

I guess the only answer is "sabar"

Usaha dan doa...

Assalamualaikum,

Usaha dan doa... Yup, i know that much that both are equally important. But sometimes, i kept on wondering, in which way should I be 'berusaha'?

I've been praying all the time. Even when I was a baby. It's not that I'm don't believe in the power of a doa... but, I think, for doa to happen, we ourselves should change towards that doa. I have deep faith in doa. And because of that, I am determine to change myself into a better person.

Yes, CHANGING. I'm beginning to learn that doa sememangnya dtg dgn usaha. So, to find my own love life (which i know, the hardest part in my life...) there must be something wrong with me somehow. Why I'm still single throughout my 25 years of living? I'm pretty determined, that I am changing myself now. Not completely. I hope there will always be my own principle in my own life, but I am changing to be a better woman than I was before. I will change the way I look, the way I walk, the way I talk, laugh, smile and the crucial part is... the way I think.

I want to be strong, I want to be kind..... (yasashiku naritai by Saito Kazuyoshi)

pissed

Okay, I know that I'm not as rich as you are. I can't afford to buy expensive things like u all did. I can't belanja all of u to nice meals... I know, my salary is so small and to live in a high standard lifestyle as u guys are out of my reach. And I know that my debts are very deep.

But please don't treat me as I'm the poorest of them all. My bill is more than rm150, so what? I still can afford to pay it. I want to eat good food, I still have a few bucks left to buy them. So why are you so fussy about my own financial treatment. Stop treating me and say out loud "takpe2 ann, aku byr... aku mampu" WTH! I also mampu ok. "ann ada duit tak, amik laa skit ni" I know my own financial, so leave me alone. STOP treating me like I was in the "BERSAMAMU". Yes, I'm not rich enough. Yes, I have debt in my account. Yes, I can't afford to even enter those expensive stores like u did. But please leave me alone. Don't stress me out man~ It makes me living with you guys giving me a LOT of pressure... Now, that's why I'm seldom at home. I'm sorry, but this is who I am. Just let me be thankful with whatever I have... for now ^^

F1 in Schools (Infinity F1 Team 2011)

Infinity F1 Team

Despite all the rumours, haters, lovers, supporters, tiredness, sleepless nights, foods, disruption, betrayal, unsatisafaction, beatings, embarassments, arguements, fights, laughter, smiles and all other things that we learned.... We had become a better person inside and out.

Best Team Identity

Engineers at work

Infinity F1 Team vs Swifter

To all the F1 in Schools members, THANK YOU for giving me the opportunity to experience all of them.

The day when I'm speechless

Assalamualaikum,

I kept on wondering, when will the day that I will learn to love someone so deeply come~?
As how they always thought, every question will have it's answer. And answers for questions about life are always in the form of paper 2 science paper, part B : essays.

We had it all. I thought, I was giving my full responsibilities to it. I was taking it for granted. I keep on pushing them beyond the limit. And when the moment showed the result, they are depressed. 1.158s from 1.045s was A LOOOT different.

At that moment, I knew I had to say something. A good words? An encouraging phrase? A scolding node? I have no idea. And for that, I was speechless. I couldn't think of anything. I never felt the silence so loud in my life. All I could do was standing besides them... hoping my feelings would be conveyed to them, without the use of any words...

"I'm sorry for being a jerk to all of you..." I wanted to say this soo badly but my mouth just wouldn't move. I guess my ego has taken charge of my rational mind. I was so selfish. They need me more than anyone, but I was taken back by tiredness and ego, that I was starting to lose the grip.

Losing is a great experience as well. At least I know that much... but, when it involved someone who are becoming a dear to me... Hurting them by losing is not an option. It hurts so much to see them learning the experience of losing... But it is still for the best of them. I believe that with this experience, they will become a better adult that the rest of the kids now ^^

Dear Diary... (uweekk)

Assalamualaikum,

It's almost going to be the end. Filling in the "borang serah tugas" gives me the chill. There are a few of achievements that I got but A LOT of disappointments and UNFINISHED business. But as life goes by, we still have to live in it. So letting go is the only wise option to move on...

There is this guy. Long time ago (as in last year) I have this kuch kuch hota hai everytime he came close to me. My hands shivering, my mind couldn't think clear and my heart would be pounding fast. I could feel this heat around my skin. I have no idea what is this feeling. But once we had the chance to talk, for only a few seconds, the discussion will lead to nowhere and within a few minutes, the moment would be nothing but boredness. So, why did I felt the heat sensation everytime he is nearby?

I learnt a lot this past 12 months of 2011. I had been given the golden chance to conduct F1 in schools. even though it requires a lot of my free time and my comitment towards the team, but the moment we had together was fantastic. I learn a lot from them. How to trust them, how to let them loose and matured in their own way, how to have a deep faith in them, how to guide them through the hardships, the betrayal and also the frustation. Even myself had a few moments of ups and downs. I learnt about the management of my own personal and work life (even though it is still in a mess)

But one thing that I am sure of... I have no idea what am I suppose to learn about relationship. I am still sucks at it. All my previous methods and moments keep on repeating the same way with no positive outcome at all. I have no idea in which direction should I change. I am still myself, with failed relationships and friendships as well. Even my own family are drifting away from me. Relationship is a pain in the ass~

Scar-ring

Assalamualaikum,

Lama sey tak update... my 'babies' (bak kata kak yati) Infinity F1 Team dpt fastest car!!! tp oleh kerana terlalu byk rule yg dah diketepikan, kami hanya dinobatkan sbg tempat ke3. Ape2 pn, yg penting, we are all going to the National Finals!!!

n finally, the days are coming close. He and she will become One. And I will be there throughout the moment to support them. I guess I am much matured now. I think I can handle it. It is just for one day right? Can I? Can I really let it go? when he is standing right in front of my eyes? With a smile and laughter? I have no idea~~ But 1 thing for sure. Both of my best friends are getting married =))

Someone asked me, "Ann, ko ok tak? Dia dah wat invitation facebook" And I replied, "Oh, aku busy dgn F1 smpi aku terlupa nk tgk..."

Isn't it just an excuse? For not to care....

But maybe, I am prepared for this. Allah will only give us a test for us to overcome it, not to make our life more difficult. I believe in Him.

To both of you, congratulations!!

3...2....1....GO!

The race is on...

This is the time when I can't even relate to myself which one is more important. With my life as a mess as it is, I'm starting to wonder am I really doing it right.... But when I can actually get it right? It is still favourably unknown...

I want to teach the students the art of learning on your own. Gaining the experience which will maturing their innerself, but still depends on how they perceived things. But because of that they were somehow left behind. And I felt that it was my fault. I couldn't do the job right. Am I someone who take things easy? Why can't I have an arranged lifestyle? Why is it so difficult for me to re-scheduled my life~? And the sad things is, it affects others so much...

But I was stunned by one my students. Faiez said, "takpe ckgu, sy mmg percayakan kemampuan Meng...". That's it. That's my problem all these while... Why can't I trust my own students? They've done so much to gain that trust, but why have I neglected that.... to my Infinity F1 Team members, I am trully sorry for neglecting my duty as an advisor~

Cannot find the title

iye, sy sudah kembali kepada zaman2 gilakan photography. Bukannye sy yg gemar mengambil gambar, tp menjadi penggemar meng-usha gambar..... Deviant Art is back~!!!

Percaya la~

Assalamualaikum,

remember when they say that "cikgu tak boleh berat sebelah..." ?
well, I failed. I admit, I have a few favourite students where I put my deep interest into them. I started to get to know them, feel their need and interest and I finally put my 100% trust into them.

Idrus. A boy from my practical school. Now studying form 5 in SMK Aminuddin Baki. The first time he started to amazed me was when I did a game of water rocket with the students. Even though his rocket was the lousiest, but the way he thinks was the best. And in the end, he won 1st prize with no fancy decoration of his rocket...


then, about a parachute design to save an egg from a 3rd floor. By looking a the a few pictures of military parachute, he design a whole new look of a parachute. superb~~


then, the program "Physics is Fun". Again, he amazed me. I gave one of the most impossible task, but he did create something out of nothing. That was the moment that I realized, he is really something. The world need to see his mind. People will get amazed. I have a deep believed in him. So, I try to sign him up for National Water Rocket competition. I really want the world to see him... but, I was only a practical teacher. And world always been cruel to others.... =(







I guess my intention was pure. A few months after that, I was already working permanently at SSI, he contacted me again. There was a small competition organized by UTM and he's entering. And I was assigned to send SSI students to the same competition too... But, my intention was to make the world noticing his talent. So, we met and I gave him the brief idea about Deep Water Floating. This competition was about designing an oil station which will float on the deep water without any support from the solid ground. We only met for 2 days. He also knew I was trapped between him and my own SSI students.

During the competition was the best moment ever. He had to fight against Form 6 students and Maticulation students. At first, I could see his eyes wondering nervously. I mean, he was just a Form 5 students from a very normal school. But yet, I was smiling broadly. My wish has been fulfilled. He amazed the whole audience, including pengarah MMSE, Malaysian Marine Southern Engineering and the vice-chancelor of UTM. His design was amazing. His idea was brilliant. He won the 2nd place because of his lousy english presentation (I was expecting this =.=" ) but he won the best design. If only you could see the brilliant of his design.....


And here I am, helping him to apply for scholarship after his quite lousy result for trial spm =.=" .... I am really hoping he could get a scholarship into any mech or civil engineering. I had a deep interest in him and I am still do. I really want to see him with success. He has such a great talent not to be wasted. And I also believe that Allah will always sees him as how I'm seeing him =D

Lie To Me

Assalamualaikum,

There is a person, who can't make up his mind about how he feels... which makes my feelings like riding a roller coaster. There are times when I feel like the ride is boring and there are a few moments that I can feel the tickles inside my heart.... And there are times that I feel like getting off this roller coaster because I can't take it anymore...

But, there are also some times when I feel like going with the flow and let the Creator decides my anxiety of the ride.

Humans are interesting. They tend to make up stories as to be the most interesting narrator of someone's life. They also tend to create excuses just to make sure that others will look at them as the victim of the misfortune.... I love looking at people from afar... trying to read their behaviour and learn about their thinking. As I enjoy watching them, I have a quick thought.

"Why is it so difficult for human to just be honest?" (including me) =P

Honesty is the best policy. Trust can highly be earn based on honesty. Other people will understand somehow, maybe not instantly but the best thing about human is... tanpa disedari, they like to show off their trueself. So sekiranya anda berbohong... x kira sunat ke tak... ur true feelings will always be showing off. Others can clearly see them. You r shaking your leg, brcakap tersekat2, mata brkelip byk kali, brcakap sambil pandang tempat lain... X payah laa brsusah payah nk bagi alasan... action speaks louder than words =))

"To make your children capable of honesty is the beginning of education"

money money money

Assalamualaikum,

Am I a super clumsy person?

Di kala keluar senyap2 untuk balik solat zuhur di rumah... hati ada sedikit terusik akan kalau-kalau... tp bukan selalu ke buat... biar laa... okies, mulakan enjin, terus keluar dgn laju... smpi di persimpangan puaka RTM aku pn dgn tgk kereta2 di kanan... okies, free... vroom~~

*bang* oh BS sungguh!! aku terlanggar belakang myvi putih. dia angkat tangan, aku angkat tangan... ok2 aku sedar aku salah... aku pn follow dia smpi kemuncak 2... kih3 jiran aku rupanye. aku pn keluar kereta minta maap byk2... nasib baik amoi tu sgt sungguh baik hati... cara ckp lembut je... dpn kete aku plak. kui3 remuk habis geliman...

dah lambat... kene balik sekolah, aku pn minta kebenaran papa nk guna kete vios bw g sek. mmg aku masih belum mengerti sebab2 kemalangan kot... *bang* vios papa langgar kete saga putih aku~ apekah?? aku terasa sgt emosi... duit aku dah laa disebabkan seseorg tu... aku berhutang dgn bank... tambah ni pulak... punye laa dlu2 aku tak pernah pk nk buat duit byk... ni salah satu ujian Allah kot, ttg penilaian duit dlm diri aku... aku sombong sgt dulu ni~~

di sekolah, aku mencari hiburan sendiri... dlm kepala aku dah sgt tensi... tp aku ttp pk jgn hambakan diri dgn duit... cari hikmah sebenar ann~~

Sweet~Heart

Assalamualaikum,

Dulu aku selalu terfikir.... hidup aku patutnye skang senang, xde anak nk pk, blk umah dr keje leh terus tidur... tp selepas aku berjumpa dgn rakanku yg baru 4 bulan melahirkan anak... pandangan aku dah berubah kembali...

"Dulu aku selalu fikir, penatnye diorg ni... balik rumah kene layan kerenah anak pula... dah laa keje mmg bertimbun2... kalo aku, mmg susah laa nk fikir..." kata2 kawan aku...

"tapi lepas dpt anak... 1st thing yg nk sgt tgk lepas keje adalah anak... walaupn dia nangis kuat mana pn, aku ttp rasa nk tgk anak aku sepanjang masa... tak kesah busy mane pn, terasa hati aku tenang lepas tgk muka anak aku... "

maybe, itu sebabnya perempuan2 yang telah menjadi isteri dan bonda kepada anak mereka ni dan juga seorang career woman.. aku selalu pandang diorg sbg super woman. But they can become stronger just by the presence of their loved ones. Their strength are the face of their children. Bila agaknya aku akan dapat merasai kekuatan itu? Hanya Allah yang tahu dan InsyaAllah, aku meminta izin daripada Allah untuk membenarkan aku merasai perasaan itu~

F1rst Love

"Cinta pertama banyak mengajar seseorang itu mengenal apakah makna cinta. Namun begitu, cinta pertama kerap kali membuatkan seseorang itu terlalu taksub mengejar cinta kerna takut kecewa." (fb Nabil Jainal)

1st love always gonna be THE love that we will always remember...
Itulah masanye kita mula berlaku jujur dgn perasaan yg bercampur baur...
masa itulah kita belajar cara memahami seseorg yg sepatutnya takde ape2 kene mengena dgn kita....
masa itulah kita mula sedar dan memerhatikan kebaikan org yg lain...
dan masa itulah kita belajar utk memperbaiki diri supaya dpt menjadi setaraf dgn cinta pertama~

My 1st love... I see him as a perfect guy next door. He was really near but yet I felt that he was very far for me to reach. I kept on denying the feelings I had but after he slipped through my fingers, then I realised how stupid I am for not keeping him close to me... And then... the 'What If.." questions kept pumping out

What if, we can just be true to our thoughts with each other?
What if, he could sees me as a woman before he met her?
What if, I had told him my feelings before?
What if....?

But, that was 8 years ago... my wisdom and mind had grown so much that I can find the 'hikmah' of why Allah send those feelings for him to me if He hadn't want us to be together. Looking back at the road I had taken, I can smile while thinking about those thoughts. Because of him, I've grown to be a much 'beautiful' and better woman than I was before. The only reason for me to meet him 8 years ago and fall deeply in love with him was to create the present me... of who I am now.
^^

this commercial really reminds me of him =)

The end.... for now

Finally I replied;

Hi Chris,

It turns out that my previous sponsor would not transfer my working contract to my current sponsor. I have to work for my previous sponsor for 8 years. Unfortunately, I have to decline the PhD offer by University of Nottingham. I am really sorry for any inconvenience that I have caused.
Please accept my deepest apology to you and to the university for taking your time.
Thank you.

Regards,
Nor Othman

and he replied;
Nor

Sorry to hear that, best of luck.

Chris

I think, he already guess the circumstances that I might not gonna make it. And I was super embarrassed with my childish behaviour over the past few months to him. But now, I am determine to follow my dreams in my own way, without the so-called help from others... especially in financial =)

It's the end... is it?

5.30pagi subuh, di kala selepas bersahur utk puasa 6 syawal...

	from	Christopher J. Conselice conselice@nottingham.ac.uk
to		ann othman
date		Mon, Sep 19, 2011 at 12:52 AM
subject		Re: Nor Othman
mailed-by		gmail.com
signed-by		gmail.com
		Important mainly because of your interaction with messages in the conversation.

" Hi Nor --

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going. I realize you
aren't going to make it for this autumn, but can you give me some
indication of how things are going with your sponsor and when you
might be arriving?

all the best,

chris "

So, bagaimana agaknye aku perlu membalas email ini... Skali aku membalas, bererti peluang emas permata 100% pure akan hilang buat selama2nya...Chris Conselice merupakan supervisorku ketika final year project dan dia juga merupakan supervisorku utk PhD kali ini.... I salute this guy... he is the only one in Europe has the direct key to the Hubble Telescope.... Tapi, as an adult, I should make things clear for both parties rite?
Aiseyyy~~

shy

Looking at you
Thinking and wondering
What is in your mind right now?
With the cutest silly face of yours
Can my smile reach you?

I remember your kindness back then
Your sweetest smile
... with your warmest words
Are still fresh in my mind
Did you notice,
... I felt my heart twitched that day?

I'm keepng my distance,
and I keep it consistence,
Shying all the way~

Maze of feelings

Have you ever felt,
that your life is kinda perfect that you want to always keep it that way...
and out of the blue, suddenly you felt that your life worth nothing at all?

"What the hell am I doing here?"

I am in this situation now.... suddenly I felt that everything that I knew stumbles down. I have no direction in life, neither a place where I can go back to... the place where I can feel being loved and comfort. So, how am I suppose to move on when I don't know which way to start my steps?

When I felt this way, usually I would think about others who are in situations far more worst than mine. Kwn sy telah diletakkan di atas sebuah pulau yg sgt daif.... slow internet connection and the place is always smelly.... dan seorg lg kwn sy telah ditempatkan di lahad datu, yg kalau nk balik kg, kene amik 2 flight, and flight2 yg ada jarang2 je... so I should be thankful with what I have now.... rite?

But right now.... I have no idea what is right and what is wrong anymore~

Bye2 My Life Diary

Passport A 16066949

Pemilik yang disayangi ^^

Visa Pelajar UK 2006-2009

Pergerakan pelancongan kluar dari Luton, London

Penerimaan di Amsterdam, Holland dan Skatvsa, Germany

Obsessive Yui di Hong Kong

Visa obsessive YUI ke Tokyo, Japan

Penerimaan ke Narita, Japan

Round2 negara ke-3 europe dgn keretapi bersama rakan2

Sedih dan hiba bila passport lama dipotong sebagai tanda penamat penggunaan maksimanya kepada tuan empunya.... Terima kasih kerana telah memberi pelbagai pengalaman yang sekarang dapat digunakan untuk kematangan diri dan rakan-rakan....
Bye bye A 16066949
And Welcome abroad A 250******
^^

5 perkara sblm 5 perkara : sihat sebelum sakit...

8 September 2011;

tepat pukul 2 pagi, aku terbangun drp tidur.... perut mcm buat hal... berbunyi2 drp td~

2.30 pagi: mula muntah... sakit smpi ke hidung tu.... lepas muntah try tidur balik...
3.00 pagi: perut berbunyi2 lagi... tidur tak lena... 1/2 jam selepas itu, muntah lagi... selepas muntah, try utk minum air2 masam... try utk tidur kembali...
4.00 pagi: muntah air yg diminum td... mknn dlm perut dah hbs dikeluarkan kot... takleh jd ni... kejut linda, minta segala jenis ubat yg dia leh fikirkan....
5.00 pagi: muntah ubat2an yg dimakan pula... adess, mmg sah aku kene mc ari ni~

7.00 pagi: call sekolah, Iskandar pulak yg angkat... of cos tak smpi 30 minit, satu sekolah dah tau aku muntah2 ingatkan sbb mkn berlebihan... adess
7.30 pagi: dapat msg drp 7 org kawan2 daripada SSI bertanyakan keadaan diri yg sakit ini... 2 org students pun post kt wall fb aku tanye psal ape aku tak dtg sek....terasa terharu pulak diorg rmai2 risau psal aku... ughuu~~
9 pagi: setelah sejam menunggu, akhirnya dpt jumpa Dr Muru... dia ckp perut aku sensitif dgn minyak sapi... tp mmg dari dulu aku takleh tahan bau minyak sapi pn.... bak kata Linda, walaupn sakit seharian, at least dpt tau kita allergy ape~
12 tgh hari: ubat tahan muntah dia sgt tak sedap~~~ sakit aku tak menurun.... papa dah risau, call Linda ckp aku semakin nazak~ huhu... Linda pn risau g call Dr Teoh yg busy sokmo tu... aku lak pk, mhal2.... haha
5 ptg: Linda belikan ayam goreng McD dgn bubur McD sbb dia ckp org yg muntah perlukan garam yang banyak utk otak supaya tak sakit kepala sgt...
8 mlm: tido smpi pkul 4.30 pagi td... skang rasa dah boleh bergerak tanpa sakit sgt....
Alhamdulillah~

Kesimpulan daripada tragedi ini... Sy sgt terharu rmai org risaukan psal sy... At least now I knew I have a lot of friends in need who are my true friends indeed. Thank you =)

Arigatou...

During my period of stress, I try my best to hide it. Via online or by face... except for my blog. hehe. Sedangkala ketika nk tido awal smlm sbb malas nk pk ape2... tiba2 handphone aku brbunyi...

"You okay?" msg kwnku yg dh lame tak dgr berita dan tinggal di seberang perairan berbunyi...
"ok je, nape?" aku balas....
"I can sense what you're thinking deep down inside you" dia balas

Di kala msg itu telah membuatkan air mata aku akhirnya jatuh... Without any hint, he knows... then I realized, I have a lot of wonderful friends around me.

To "Neo Wei Loong", thank you so much for this wonderful friendship ^^

Tarik nafas dalam-dalam::....

Assalamualaikum,

Di kala sedang menaip utk blog ini.... sy sdg stress giler...

sy tak tau kenape,
... adakah 90% kemungkinan suara sy mmg takkan kembali?

... ataupn, sbb my-so-called-ex yg kapel tak smpi 2 minggu tu....dah bertunang?

...ataupn, sbb saya kene kerja sabtu dan ahad ini walaupn sy dah rancang utk melawat sedara di Muar?

...ataupn, sbb my best friends semua dah bertunang?

...ataupun, sy masih belum mengisi markah eksperimen utk mereka yg STPM tahun ini?

...ataupn, sy masih belum mula buat soalan utk akhir tahun PraU peringkat daerah?

...ataupn sbb hormon sy mmg tgh tak betul skang ni....kah?


tp sy mmg tgh stress super... and I know that misery loves company, so sy dh mula mengeluarkan ayat2 yg org kata "saje cari gaduh". Bahaya~~ Sebelum ape2 berlaku... sy perlu offline dan tenangkan diri~

Pentingkan Diri

"aku kan... kalau ada sorg mamat gedik2 call aku, aku malas layan... off line je" sorg kwn aku pernah ckp....

"tp aku tak terasa sape2 pn nk tergedik kt aku... Dia mmg tgh stress, nk off line mcm kesian giler kot. Dia agak memerlukan org utk dgr je" aku balas...

"Ko ni kn.. kadang2 kita kene blaja pentingkan diri, supaya org tau limit dia dan tak menyebabkan org lain salah faham..."

Perbincangan ini berlaku antara aku dan s******* ketika salah seorang kawan aku lelaki selalu call aku sbb tgh stress dgn tunang dia...

Aku prnh tgk satu movie ni... ada satu ayat dia yg menyebabkan aku agak tersentap.
"If you want someone to love you, you need to learn to love youself first..."


Dulu org slalu nasihatkan aku, jgn pentingkan diri... tak baik. cuba pkkan org lain dulu... So smpi skang aku akan try utk pkkan org lain dulu... smpi aku terasa secara tak sengaja, I'm hurting the people who actually really care about me.

1st:
Instead of kwn2 aku yg call, aku akan suh diorg off, biar aku yg call. tak smpi ati lak nk suh diorg hbskan kredit utk aku je.... aku lak pkai bil, line lg murah kot~

2nd:
Kalau aku nk bli ape2, aku start kete trus je cari sendiri2. kalau ajak org, aku rs bersalah diorg kene tunggu aku pilih2 brg utk aku sendiri....

3rd:
I'm the maid-of-honor for the wedding of the first guy I ever loved. Dulu akak aku ckp aku dah gila, saje nk sakitkan hati sendiri... tp takkan aku nk tolak, dua2 tu kwn baik aku~

So, mcm mane cara untuk pentingkan diri? bukan itu sesuatu yg tak baik ke?? Aku byk kali tanye org, mcm mane nk jd org yg pentingkan diri..?
dan ada seorg sahabat telah memberi nasihat yg bernas

"Ann, aku rs ko kene bykkan membaca... supaya bila ko rs terlalu pentingkan org lain, ko lebih berhemah utk menjawab instead of ko berfikir utk pentingkan diri sendiri"

Home Sweet Home

Poem ini direka ketika di UK dan homesick giler2 nk balik JB~~~



Dedicated just for you "Johor Bahru"


Undecided
I have no idea what to think
Am I here, or am I not?
I need to focus,
But I'll still end up thinking about you,
What should I do?

Running as fast as I could
I don't want to stop here
I want to keep on running
Away from here, away from you
But I still do want to meet you
What should I do?

The plan I drew was perfect
But getting lost is still alright
I just don't want to be lost from your sight
I'll keep on tracing the path
Just wait for me, I want to be there with you
Let's keep on running
...to the place where we promise to meet again

Akhir Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

It's the last night....


Tonight may be the last tarawikh for 1432 Hijri and that will be the end of Ramadhan... Mari kita merefleksi diri sendiri. Orang kata kalau ada perubahan yg baik, bermakna puasa dlm ramadhan kali ini berkesan....

1st :
Berat badan turun 4 kg~~ rekod yang agak membanggakan setakat ini... Tp rasanye, raya ni tak sampi sehari dah naik lebih drp 4 kg ni. hehe.
Namun bila direnung... kiranye kan, kalo aku org2 daif yg makan ikut portion bulan puasa... setiap bulan turun 4kg... setahun turun 48 kg... 25 thn aku hidup ni??? hmmm~~

2nd :
Telah dpt melatih diri memperbanyak ucapan InsyaAllah dlm pertuturan harian. Ni semua salah motivasi zmn2 sek dlu.... diorg akan selalu ckp "Jgn kata KALAU, katakan AKAN LAKUKAN, PASTI LAKUKAN..." Then lepas baca surah Al-Kahf (18: 23 dan 24) baru tersedar, segala yg dipercayai kebolehan diri adalah terhad. Tanpa izin Allah, tak mungkin ape2 akan berlaku. Oleh itu, ucapkanlah InsyaAllah (Hanya dengan izin Allah) untuk meminta izin Allah, barulah sesuatu yg diharapkan akan berlaku...

3rd :
Latihan utk mngurangkn perkataan "siot, bangkai, babi, sial" tidak mndapat hasil. Penggunaan perkataan2 kurang sopan itu telah brleluasa di mulut ini. Terutama untuk kelas PraU... hehe. Tapi, brakhirnya Ramadhan bukan brmaksud brakhirnya prubahn. Ramadhan hanyalah pndorong prmulaan kepada prubahn yg baik.... InsyaAllah~

4th :
Tarawikh telah ditinggalkan di kala aku demam agak teruk hari tu... tp org kata demam dn sakit tu ujian drp Allah. Org2 yg sabar mnghadapinya InsyaAllah akan mendapat keberkatan dan pahala Allah.... tp aku, ntah brape byk kali menyumpah2 time demam ari tu... salahkn org lain jangkitkan demam lg... buat alasan demam malas tolong mak msak lain... adess~~~

Akhirnya Ramadhan akan meninggalkan diri ini yg masih blum sempurna dn masih dipenuhi keraguan tentang keburukan dlm diri. Aku tetap akan mengharapkan bulan2 lain memberi kenikmatan dan rahmat drp Allah sentiasa.... Amiin~~

Selamat Hari Raya dan Maaf atas semua salah silap yg dilakukan dan maybe akan dilakukan tanpa sengaja. 0-0 (^_^)

Motherly Luv.... ke?

It's him...

I felt in love from the first sight I saw him... Sgt sopan dan baik... sgt comel... sgt menghargai org... Walaupun sekarang dia dah bahagia bersama keluarga angkat yang baru... tp tiap2 kali nmpk dia, hati ini mesti rasa terusik...

bila dia dah besar, bila dia dpt tahu sbb2 dia diambil sbg anak angkat... rasa2nye dia akan sedih tak?

Tp, diri ini sgt sungguh menyayangi sikecil yg tidak berdaya ini~

Rayee....

Seketika di pagi raye, beberapa tahun yg lepas...

.:Inspiring Miracle:.

Assalamualaikum,

Sy rasa sy perlu tulis dlm blog tentang hal ini....

How do you define miracle? Adakah berdasarkan duit jatuh dr langit berbillion2... ~amiinn~ ataupun, perubahan kebaikan mendadak dlm kehidupan secara on spot? (tp syarat kebaikan perlukan latihan [istiqamah]) ataupun, minyak wangi Lancome 'So Miracle' kah? haha

I experienced one miracle yesterday.... hehe *blush* (^^)

kesahnye... Dah 2 hari tak g masjid utk solat tarawikh... khamis ada rewang iftar di rumah kak ermazaini... kitorg msak2 smpi buka then lepak2 smpi kul 9 mlm kt rumah dia... balik, aku terus pengsan dgn tak mandi, smpi kul 4 baru solat isyak dan tarawikh then sahur.... kuikuikui.

then jumaat ada iftar bersama budak2 F1 kt Restoran Singgah Selalu... smpi kul 8.15 br balik rumah.... kejar2 solat maghrib. Then mandi baru solat isyak, pastu solat tarawikh kt bilik... kul 12 dah gone~

Smlm bgn2 kul 11 pagi (hehe) tgk muka kt cermin.... pergghh, 2 jerawat besar kt hidung dgn pipi kiri jelas kelihatan. Dgn muka berminyak2.... adess~ sepanjang hari pk, nk letak ubat ape eik? basuh muka siap make up remover walaupn tak pkai make up beberapa hari ini... haha. tak hilang2 juga jerawat2 besar merah ni.... adess~

mlm tu, lepas maghrib, kluar2 bilik, der... ayah dah g masjid sorg2~?? kt luar dh dengar azan isyak.... takleh jd ni, dh lame gak aku tinggalkan tarawikh kt masjid. dgn spontannye, amik kunci kete trus drive laju g Masjid Kolam Air... sampai2 je dah Iqamah, nasib baik Allah tolong beri petunjuk utk parking... ngehehe. On spot smpi, takyah cari2 terus park kt tepi bukit... Then solat laa smpi tarawikh 8, Istikarah pastu again witir ingat nk wat kt umah tp gone pd tidur~~

Then, jeng3..... smpi2 rumah je, terkejut sbb jerawat2 besar kt muka aku semua terus ilang~ kuikuikui... Alhamdulillah.... Bak kata Payat Notts "Muka org yg berwudu' 100 kali lebih lawa daripada perempuan yg make up tebal seinchi..."

So, itulah definisi Miracle bagiku.... jerawat hilang dgn sekelip mata~ ngehehehe =)

Sy takut....

I am feeling numb this whole past 3 days... no feelings what so ever
And now I present to you my strong feelings right here only in this blog...
^^

I already banned myself from 'ngumpat-ing' people. But today, I listened to other people 'ngumpat-ing' other people. I tried to neutralized their anger but it's still based on their own mind set whether they r going to accept any of my opinion or not. Hati manusia ni sbnrnye tak pernah berniat jahat, diorg kadang2 cuma tak sedar kesan2 perbuatan diorg kpd org lain... Then jeng3... diorg berckp yg org tu ckp buruk psal aku...

hati aku tiba2 memberontak... psal ape eik? nk tau gak... kenape2 org tak ske aku?? diorg mula bercerita... tiba2 perasaan terhadap org yg bercerita psal aku tu berubah kepada tak baik skit.... then otak aku mengambil alih keputusan... kalau aku teruskan dgr bende ni, aku akan forever ubah pandangan aku terhdp org tu... so secara on spot, aku tukar tajuk... safe~

dlu rum8 aku pernah ckp... "Ann, muka ko dah tak innocent mcm dlu..." then aku jawab, "aku dah tgk byk bende2 buruk psal kehidupan... nk maintain innocent ape nyer~" Manusia ni mmg pelik. Minda diorg sentiasa berfikir... kadang2 kita kene let loose. ada bende ni tak worth pn pk... abaikan je...

Tapi.... still deep inside my heart, I am really scared. What if, there would be no more innocent cell inside of me. What if, every single things inside of me are tinted black dgn dosa.... Aku sgt takut aku akan jd jahat.. aku jd ske ngumpat org, bandingkan org, tikam belakang org, ske sakitkan hati org... Aku dlu pernah pk nk duduk sendiri je kt makmal fizik form 6... tp, smpi bila aku nk lari... aku sedar yg walau ape pn terjadi aku kene bergaul dgn masyarakat... walaupn aku sgt penakut, at least aku kene berlakon jd seorg yg tabah dpn mereka. Mcm mane nk lindung hati daripada anasir2 yg tak baik ni eih? Kadang2 aku terikut2 juga diorg 'mengumpat'. But at least I know, I cannot always choose the right path because life is not just a road to the end, it is also a lesson learn with time, rite? =)

Rahsia untuk kurus...

Perjumpaan berbuka puasa bersama2 warga IPTI....
Zarirah "ko makin kurus laa ann... ape rahsia?"

Mak Guard SAB ketika nk kasi zakat mama pada pelajar2 miskin SAB...
"uish, ape dh jd cikgu, makin kurus ni...."

Berjumpa Kak Ani (makmal) di makmal ketika pelajar sdg sibuk dgn eksperimen...
Kak Ani, "Ann makin slim aa skang..."

Dlm seminggu, dah 3 org ckp aku makin kurus. Yg plg pelik adalah Kak Ani yg sentiasa jumpa setiap hari.... ada org ckp sbb baju aku ari ni agak besar, so nmpk bdn aku kecik. Ke puasa di bulan Ramadhan ni dah menunjukkan hasil.... ataupun....
aku dlm era emotionally unstable

Iye, itu yg aku perasan tentang diri yg serba kurang ni.... setiap kali aku risau akan sesuatu... berat badan aku akan turun dgn mendadak. Kalau ada org yg sentiasa bertemu sua pn ckp aku nmpk kurus, bermakna berat badan aku sdg turun secara mendadak.... dan kesimpulannya, jiwa aku tgh kacau~

Apa agaknye yg merisaukan.... byk bende kot.
F1 ada sebulan je lg sblm pertandingan...
STPM Physics Percubaan lg 30 hari je....
KPM dgn kurang ajarnya pergi umumkan ke-reject-an mereka terhadap aku pada semua penjamin dan USM....
Duitku sekarang bergerak selaju air terjun....

Tp bila aku fikir balik... semua org ada masalah lebih besar drp aku.... aku takyah pn kene isi borang SAPS tu... aku takde anak nk kene siapkan masak dan kemas rumah... aku takyah pn nk update2 file kelab ke ape semua tu.... aku ajar pn stakat 2 kelas je. Kelas aku pn 11 org je.... so, kenape jiwa aku terasa sgt kacau...? sbb aku sgt mengada2... baru ada kerja skit pn dah nk membebel... nk jiwa kacau... malas makan... taknak bergaul dgn org... apekah Ann? mengada2 giler kot~

"Stop making those pity faces as if people would want to sympathize you..."

Oh, lupa pula... td ada ex-students STPM Physics 2010 dtg utk cop sijil2 diorg... aku dlu ajar diorg tak smpi 5 bulan pn... tp ada seorg ni telah mengeluarkan kata2 "Tcher, thank you for teaching us Physics last year..." dgn ayat mcm tu je pn... hati aku dah melted~

Unprepared

Di kala daku sdg melayan kebosanan yg melampau, terjumpa ayat2 ini dalam diari lama.
Karya ini terhasil sehari sblm final exam dlu2...

Dituju khas buat paper exam... tp dh tak ingat exam tajuk ape.
But the words may also be applied to anything related other than examination.
*lawakkan.... org sibuk blaja, aku sibuk tulis poem~ huhu*

Finally it came,
Hoping to pass by him,
...without looking back,
Hurriedly, quickly,
...please don't let him notice,
The incomplete of me.

Stiffing the dust of tomorrow,
My hand tried to grasp the emptiness,
Looking at the long road,
...Uninviting and unpleasant.
I have nothing with me,
I am unprepared,
But I have no other choice.... right?

Lying on the bed,
Looking outside through the dusty window,
Will I get through tomorrow?
Ya Allah, only You can decide,
And I will always follow...

Enchanted

Okay, I was suppose to be in her concert at London tp disebabkan final project presentation hari esoknye.... aku telah memilih presentation. tp kalau naik train mlm tu lps konsert sempat je utk presentation esoknya tu....Hehe. Skang masih terasa rugi super tak g konsert dia kt London hari tu~~~
yg kt singapore pn terlepas jugee~~

Please dun be in luv with someone else...
I was enchanted to meet you....



okies, aku terasa live dia yg ini juga agak super! hehe ^^


akhirnya aku blaja gak cara nk letak youtube dlm blog.... nyahahaha XD

A simple line

"A simple line can make u laugh... or cry~"
.:Westlife~ Flying Without Wings:.

Yes, just by a simple sentences or even a simple word...

1) Strangers of different backgrounds and attitude can become friends for life. The kind of friend in need is a friend indeed....

3) Friends can turn into lovers. If they r brave enough to confront their own feelings... dan diorg betul2 berani untuk berhadapan dgn feelings dalam diri sendiri dan tak menipu kata hati diri~

2) Friends for years could become enemy for life.

3) Roommates for 4 years can become enemy in sleep (dalam kata melayunye, gunting dlm selimut)

Okay, I get it that both of u are not in good terms with each other.... but please leave me out of this mess. What's the reasons of all the questioning... if u could think deep, the questions are all directed to a fight and war... then let's stop this.

Why can't human just think only about the good of others??? Itu akan membuatkan hati lebih tenang kan~~

Seperti lirik lagu YUI: Again
"Stop making those pity faces as if you are the only victim here..."

Reflecting

Assalamualaikum,

This week is the most frustrating week. But I did say the same thing for last week... haha. but this week is really the worst.

I've reached the point where I keep on asking myself, "What is the reason for me to be here? Everything that I try to touch crumbles down..."

1) I received the memo from Kementerian Pelajaran Malaysia that my request will not be granted. They will never approved of me going to pursue my PhD. I always think that this is what I always wanted. To just stay here. But, seeing how devastated my parents were, hurt me a little.

2) STPM... I had enough of this. I woke up early morning just to study the papers but still I couldn't get the answers. "Cikgu, I want to hantar u to mahkamah syariah... Why?... Because u always bagi ajaran sesat to ur students.." ZAP- tertusuk hati ini... But it is my own fault. Due to my frustrating era skang... I couldn't focus much on soalan2 fizik stpm. Fokus laa Ann~

3) Besides, this is the week I 'gaduh' with that person. The devastating moment keep piling in. As they say, 'Misery Loves Company'... Whoever feeling miserable akan selalu menarik org lain utk rasa miserable juga~

Akak aku dlu pernah ckp, "Ann, lepas ko jd ckgu kan... ayat2 ko skang sgt kurang ajar" Her words really being keep deep in my heart. Mama pn slalu tegur "Mulut tu cuba jaga skit... asyik menyumpah2 org je..." Dan aku pn perasan... lps jd ckgu, aku mmg sgt kurang ajar, sgt kegedikkan yg melampau, ske kepoh psal org lain, slalu menyusahkan org lain, mengumpat secara non-stop, slalu banding2kan orang... what the hell is happening to me? Hati ini terasa menjadi sgt hina... Bila agaknya jiwa ini boleh jd suci sepanjang masa~??

But, as I realized about it at this moment. I should start to change myself now... Aku bertekad taknak aibkan org lg, taknak dgr ttg keaiban org juga. Mulut yang 'kotor' ni perlu disucikan kembali... Even though perubahan tu memerlukan masa... aku takleh senang give up. Bak kata En. Azrin, yg penting dlm kebaikan adalah istiqamah, supaya dapat melatih diri sentiasa melakukan kebaikan... lgpn, Sabar tu mmg kunci segala jawapan. Kenape org selalu kata "sabar itu sebahagian daripada Iman?" ... sbb kesabaran adalah kemuliaan dan org2 yg penyabar semmgnya org2 yg mulia.

Seperti lirik lagu YUI: Rain "Like how heavy rain can change into soft snow, this heavy feelings can be softer too..."

Get It Right

Have u ever wonder, what is the right thing to do?

ku sentiasa terfikir cara terbaik untuk selesaikan masalah. If this the right way? What will they think? How would he think? Will anyone get offended? Semua persoalan ini akan sentiasa berlegar2 di minda sebelum sesuatu keputusan dibuat. Akhirnya, tanpa fikirkan jawapan utk setiap persoalan, aku akan buat je... lantak aa ape yg akan berlaku. Yang penting, niat aku adalah baik... insyaAllah~

In the end, dia dtg blk. dia berborak balik. dia senyum balik. Tak kesah senyum palsu ke tak... sbb kalau dia senyum, org lain akan ikut senyum... tu yg penting. Spreading oneself kindness~

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight". The only right thing to do is to smile honestly. So let's smile (^_^)

UnEasy

It's the 3rd morning... everytime I wake up, the uneasy feelings keep coming back. Did I dream about something bad... or is it still because of him?

Everytime I tried to remember the things that I have done, I cried. Nampaknye, aku mmg senang terasa hati... Aku tak setabah mane pn... I really hate the feelings of losing a friend. Kenape manusia mesti selalu bw diri jauh2...? Saje ske tinggalkan aku sorg2...?

The moment before it happened, aku solat tarawikh kt Masjid Kolam Air. Dalam ketika semua org buat solat Witir, aku buat solat Istikarah... dgn niat nk buat witir kt rumah, walaupn biasanya gone kpd tido.... hihi. Dalam solat tu, aku terdoa agar Allah sucikan hatinya, muliakan dirinya. And I guess, Allah benar2 makbulkan doa hambanya di bulan Ramadhan and now I do believe with the saying "be careful with what u wished for". If it really gonna happens for good, ini bende baik... kan?

Aku dah merasai kehilangan 3 orang kwn baik secara emotionally, where I have been deeply hurt. Bukan meninggal dunia ye... itu sorg je skang ni, Arwah Azmi Bin Muhammad Nor (Al-fatihah utknya)... So, can I save this 4th friendship? I dun wanna lose anyone anymore... Ya Allah, bantulah sekian hamba-hambamu ini~

The Hardest Words

Dedicated from me especially to you

Feeling the guilt,
of not knowing what to do,
I cried bitterly last night
Thinking of a person that I'd hurt
The person that I should be caring the most

I tried to act naturally
Hopefully these feelings will go away
'Time will heals'
I want to hold on to that knowledge
But it wouldn't work that way, will it?

There's a lot of things I want to say,
In front of your eyes, truthfully
In a casual conversation each and everyday
But in the end,
Even though I know words aren't enough
From the bottom of my broken heart
"I am trully sorry"

Jiwa Kacau...

Sy mempunyai seorg sepupu perempuan yg sgt hebat. Dia merupakan pelajar terbaik STF tahun... tak ingat tp tua azli sethn... so lahir tahun 1979. kira sendiri laa SPM dia tahun bila eik... haha. tu tak penting. yg penting dia adalah Pelajar Terbaik STF... SEKOLAH TERBAIK di MSIA PADA TAKAT INI...

Then, dia blaja2 semua disponsor...bla2... smpi dia dpt kerja super power. Manager Telekom Malaysia yg bergaji super $$$$$. Dia merupakan seorang gadis kampung yang sentiasa dibantu oleh pelbagai pihak utk sampai ke tahap yg sungguh membanggakan.

Dia telah berkahwin 6 thn lepas kot, dengan seorang lelaki yg pada aku agak ensem, dan baik, dan beriman.... namun, setelah mendapat 2 org cahaya mata, dia telah mengambil keputusan utk meletakkan jawatannya yang sungguh berharga $$$$$ tu.... kesahnya telah membuatkan satu kampung Pt Marjunid kecoh.... semua org2 yg telah bersusah payah menolong dia belajar smpi super tinggi telah terasa hati~~

I am in her situation now. I want to get married, have kids, and have a beautiful family life ahead. I am thinking, I'm 25 now. If I want to have kids, it's should be within this age. I want to grow old, looking at them getting their degree or just be happy with their kids, or my grandkids....

(berckp psal kids... nanti aku nk citer satu kesah psal aku hampir2 nk amik sorg budak comel ni sbg anak angkat, tp telah diketawakan oleh mereka2... so aku tak amik dia... tp dia sgt sweet giler~~~)

But seeing my parents to go beyond their limits and edge just to make sure I can continue studying my PhD in Astronomy, making my heart feeling numb. I dunno how to react. I used to ask my sister, "Ape jd kalo tiba2 aku tak g PhD sbb aku nk kawen... ko rasa camne?" and my sister's answer struck me until now, "Ko giler ke ape? Mama dgn papa susah payah naik turun batu pahat... rendahkan diri utk call semua org supaya tolong ko... senang2 ko nk ikut hati ko je utk lepaskan." Even when I am writing this, my tears can't stop flowing down my cheeks.

I am really in super debt with my parents. Aku dh byk susahkan mama dgn papa. Mama pula byk kali minta maaf masa dulu2 tgk aku kerja cikgu ni mcm sgt byk dan terseksa... Aku leh dikategorikan anak derhaka gak ni.... Mama dgn Papa, Ann minta maaf sgt2 sbb tak pernah senangkan hati Mama dgn Papa

I'm lovin it...

Aku dah blaja dgn byknye sblm masuk kelas Nucleus, tajuk: Mass Spectrometer....

okies, first lukis perjalanan ions sebesar papan putih kt kelas... then, tiap2 section akan ada nota sendiri2 biar semua senang faham....



Okies, masuk kepada soalan drp Matriculation;
perrgghhh... aku gaduh dgn students psal velocity selector.. arah mane daya magnet dia menular... aku stress... budak akan stress bila nmpk aku stress. that's the dangerous of being a teacher. U r the only captain of the ship called class. If u dunno which way to go, they will wonder around with you. Only u can decide to move according to the wind or just sink down to the bottom of the sea..

At this moment, the ship dah bocor... in a few moments, this whole class will sink. I had no idea how to fix it. Some of the students already told me the useful method, but due to my selfishness and my high ego, I dun want to listen to them. I am at wrong. Until now, I am at wrong and I regret for not listening to my students.
And the ship sank.

I'm having the most difficult time of the year... STPM is getting nearer. I should be burning my midnight oil together with them. I need to guide them. I need to calm them. I need to teach them. I need to keep their motivation on without decelerating. I need to hold them when they are feeling down. But I'm the one who is at lost. I have no idea on how to love them. I need to be brave, be strong, be knowlegable, be firm to keep them going.... but InsyaAllah everything will be fine =)

Am I loving you right?

When I prepared myself with every careful word, to have a normal conservation with you... but when we meet, nothing can come out right~

When I was angry with whatever u did to me... I am still speechless everytime I look into ur eyes~

When I want to free myself from u... that is when I cannot stop thinking of u~

When I decide to keep my distance from u... I would still come close to you everytime u're calling my name~

So, am I madly in love with u?

Even though this feeling is frustrating, but I started to like it.
Maybe someday, after a few years, we'll laugh about this frustrating moment... together