Reflecting

Assalamualaikum,

This week is the most frustrating week. But I did say the same thing for last week... haha. but this week is really the worst.

I've reached the point where I keep on asking myself, "What is the reason for me to be here? Everything that I try to touch crumbles down..."

1) I received the memo from Kementerian Pelajaran Malaysia that my request will not be granted. They will never approved of me going to pursue my PhD. I always think that this is what I always wanted. To just stay here. But, seeing how devastated my parents were, hurt me a little.

2) STPM... I had enough of this. I woke up early morning just to study the papers but still I couldn't get the answers. "Cikgu, I want to hantar u to mahkamah syariah... Why?... Because u always bagi ajaran sesat to ur students.." ZAP- tertusuk hati ini... But it is my own fault. Due to my frustrating era skang... I couldn't focus much on soalan2 fizik stpm. Fokus laa Ann~

3) Besides, this is the week I 'gaduh' with that person. The devastating moment keep piling in. As they say, 'Misery Loves Company'... Whoever feeling miserable akan selalu menarik org lain utk rasa miserable juga~

Akak aku dlu pernah ckp, "Ann, lepas ko jd ckgu kan... ayat2 ko skang sgt kurang ajar" Her words really being keep deep in my heart. Mama pn slalu tegur "Mulut tu cuba jaga skit... asyik menyumpah2 org je..." Dan aku pn perasan... lps jd ckgu, aku mmg sgt kurang ajar, sgt kegedikkan yg melampau, ske kepoh psal org lain, slalu menyusahkan org lain, mengumpat secara non-stop, slalu banding2kan orang... what the hell is happening to me? Hati ini terasa menjadi sgt hina... Bila agaknya jiwa ini boleh jd suci sepanjang masa~??

But, as I realized about it at this moment. I should start to change myself now... Aku bertekad taknak aibkan org lg, taknak dgr ttg keaiban org juga. Mulut yang 'kotor' ni perlu disucikan kembali... Even though perubahan tu memerlukan masa... aku takleh senang give up. Bak kata En. Azrin, yg penting dlm kebaikan adalah istiqamah, supaya dapat melatih diri sentiasa melakukan kebaikan... lgpn, Sabar tu mmg kunci segala jawapan. Kenape org selalu kata "sabar itu sebahagian daripada Iman?" ... sbb kesabaran adalah kemuliaan dan org2 yg penyabar semmgnya org2 yg mulia.

Seperti lirik lagu YUI: Rain "Like how heavy rain can change into soft snow, this heavy feelings can be softer too..."