Home Sweet Home

Poem ini direka ketika di UK dan homesick giler2 nk balik JB~~~



Dedicated just for you "Johor Bahru"


Undecided
I have no idea what to think
Am I here, or am I not?
I need to focus,
But I'll still end up thinking about you,
What should I do?

Running as fast as I could
I don't want to stop here
I want to keep on running
Away from here, away from you
But I still do want to meet you
What should I do?

The plan I drew was perfect
But getting lost is still alright
I just don't want to be lost from your sight
I'll keep on tracing the path
Just wait for me, I want to be there with you
Let's keep on running
...to the place where we promise to meet again

Akhir Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

It's the last night....


Tonight may be the last tarawikh for 1432 Hijri and that will be the end of Ramadhan... Mari kita merefleksi diri sendiri. Orang kata kalau ada perubahan yg baik, bermakna puasa dlm ramadhan kali ini berkesan....

1st :
Berat badan turun 4 kg~~ rekod yang agak membanggakan setakat ini... Tp rasanye, raya ni tak sampi sehari dah naik lebih drp 4 kg ni. hehe.
Namun bila direnung... kiranye kan, kalo aku org2 daif yg makan ikut portion bulan puasa... setiap bulan turun 4kg... setahun turun 48 kg... 25 thn aku hidup ni??? hmmm~~

2nd :
Telah dpt melatih diri memperbanyak ucapan InsyaAllah dlm pertuturan harian. Ni semua salah motivasi zmn2 sek dlu.... diorg akan selalu ckp "Jgn kata KALAU, katakan AKAN LAKUKAN, PASTI LAKUKAN..." Then lepas baca surah Al-Kahf (18: 23 dan 24) baru tersedar, segala yg dipercayai kebolehan diri adalah terhad. Tanpa izin Allah, tak mungkin ape2 akan berlaku. Oleh itu, ucapkanlah InsyaAllah (Hanya dengan izin Allah) untuk meminta izin Allah, barulah sesuatu yg diharapkan akan berlaku...

3rd :
Latihan utk mngurangkn perkataan "siot, bangkai, babi, sial" tidak mndapat hasil. Penggunaan perkataan2 kurang sopan itu telah brleluasa di mulut ini. Terutama untuk kelas PraU... hehe. Tapi, brakhirnya Ramadhan bukan brmaksud brakhirnya prubahn. Ramadhan hanyalah pndorong prmulaan kepada prubahn yg baik.... InsyaAllah~

4th :
Tarawikh telah ditinggalkan di kala aku demam agak teruk hari tu... tp org kata demam dn sakit tu ujian drp Allah. Org2 yg sabar mnghadapinya InsyaAllah akan mendapat keberkatan dan pahala Allah.... tp aku, ntah brape byk kali menyumpah2 time demam ari tu... salahkn org lain jangkitkan demam lg... buat alasan demam malas tolong mak msak lain... adess~~~

Akhirnya Ramadhan akan meninggalkan diri ini yg masih blum sempurna dn masih dipenuhi keraguan tentang keburukan dlm diri. Aku tetap akan mengharapkan bulan2 lain memberi kenikmatan dan rahmat drp Allah sentiasa.... Amiin~~

Selamat Hari Raya dan Maaf atas semua salah silap yg dilakukan dan maybe akan dilakukan tanpa sengaja. 0-0 (^_^)

Motherly Luv.... ke?

It's him...

I felt in love from the first sight I saw him... Sgt sopan dan baik... sgt comel... sgt menghargai org... Walaupun sekarang dia dah bahagia bersama keluarga angkat yang baru... tp tiap2 kali nmpk dia, hati ini mesti rasa terusik...

bila dia dah besar, bila dia dpt tahu sbb2 dia diambil sbg anak angkat... rasa2nye dia akan sedih tak?

Tp, diri ini sgt sungguh menyayangi sikecil yg tidak berdaya ini~

Rayee....

Seketika di pagi raye, beberapa tahun yg lepas...

.:Inspiring Miracle:.

Assalamualaikum,

Sy rasa sy perlu tulis dlm blog tentang hal ini....

How do you define miracle? Adakah berdasarkan duit jatuh dr langit berbillion2... ~amiinn~ ataupun, perubahan kebaikan mendadak dlm kehidupan secara on spot? (tp syarat kebaikan perlukan latihan [istiqamah]) ataupun, minyak wangi Lancome 'So Miracle' kah? haha

I experienced one miracle yesterday.... hehe *blush* (^^)

kesahnye... Dah 2 hari tak g masjid utk solat tarawikh... khamis ada rewang iftar di rumah kak ermazaini... kitorg msak2 smpi buka then lepak2 smpi kul 9 mlm kt rumah dia... balik, aku terus pengsan dgn tak mandi, smpi kul 4 baru solat isyak dan tarawikh then sahur.... kuikuikui.

then jumaat ada iftar bersama budak2 F1 kt Restoran Singgah Selalu... smpi kul 8.15 br balik rumah.... kejar2 solat maghrib. Then mandi baru solat isyak, pastu solat tarawikh kt bilik... kul 12 dah gone~

Smlm bgn2 kul 11 pagi (hehe) tgk muka kt cermin.... pergghh, 2 jerawat besar kt hidung dgn pipi kiri jelas kelihatan. Dgn muka berminyak2.... adess~ sepanjang hari pk, nk letak ubat ape eik? basuh muka siap make up remover walaupn tak pkai make up beberapa hari ini... haha. tak hilang2 juga jerawat2 besar merah ni.... adess~

mlm tu, lepas maghrib, kluar2 bilik, der... ayah dah g masjid sorg2~?? kt luar dh dengar azan isyak.... takleh jd ni, dh lame gak aku tinggalkan tarawikh kt masjid. dgn spontannye, amik kunci kete trus drive laju g Masjid Kolam Air... sampai2 je dah Iqamah, nasib baik Allah tolong beri petunjuk utk parking... ngehehe. On spot smpi, takyah cari2 terus park kt tepi bukit... Then solat laa smpi tarawikh 8, Istikarah pastu again witir ingat nk wat kt umah tp gone pd tidur~~

Then, jeng3..... smpi2 rumah je, terkejut sbb jerawat2 besar kt muka aku semua terus ilang~ kuikuikui... Alhamdulillah.... Bak kata Payat Notts "Muka org yg berwudu' 100 kali lebih lawa daripada perempuan yg make up tebal seinchi..."

So, itulah definisi Miracle bagiku.... jerawat hilang dgn sekelip mata~ ngehehehe =)

Sy takut....

I am feeling numb this whole past 3 days... no feelings what so ever
And now I present to you my strong feelings right here only in this blog...
^^

I already banned myself from 'ngumpat-ing' people. But today, I listened to other people 'ngumpat-ing' other people. I tried to neutralized their anger but it's still based on their own mind set whether they r going to accept any of my opinion or not. Hati manusia ni sbnrnye tak pernah berniat jahat, diorg kadang2 cuma tak sedar kesan2 perbuatan diorg kpd org lain... Then jeng3... diorg berckp yg org tu ckp buruk psal aku...

hati aku tiba2 memberontak... psal ape eik? nk tau gak... kenape2 org tak ske aku?? diorg mula bercerita... tiba2 perasaan terhadap org yg bercerita psal aku tu berubah kepada tak baik skit.... then otak aku mengambil alih keputusan... kalau aku teruskan dgr bende ni, aku akan forever ubah pandangan aku terhdp org tu... so secara on spot, aku tukar tajuk... safe~

dlu rum8 aku pernah ckp... "Ann, muka ko dah tak innocent mcm dlu..." then aku jawab, "aku dah tgk byk bende2 buruk psal kehidupan... nk maintain innocent ape nyer~" Manusia ni mmg pelik. Minda diorg sentiasa berfikir... kadang2 kita kene let loose. ada bende ni tak worth pn pk... abaikan je...

Tapi.... still deep inside my heart, I am really scared. What if, there would be no more innocent cell inside of me. What if, every single things inside of me are tinted black dgn dosa.... Aku sgt takut aku akan jd jahat.. aku jd ske ngumpat org, bandingkan org, tikam belakang org, ske sakitkan hati org... Aku dlu pernah pk nk duduk sendiri je kt makmal fizik form 6... tp, smpi bila aku nk lari... aku sedar yg walau ape pn terjadi aku kene bergaul dgn masyarakat... walaupn aku sgt penakut, at least aku kene berlakon jd seorg yg tabah dpn mereka. Mcm mane nk lindung hati daripada anasir2 yg tak baik ni eih? Kadang2 aku terikut2 juga diorg 'mengumpat'. But at least I know, I cannot always choose the right path because life is not just a road to the end, it is also a lesson learn with time, rite? =)

Rahsia untuk kurus...

Perjumpaan berbuka puasa bersama2 warga IPTI....
Zarirah "ko makin kurus laa ann... ape rahsia?"

Mak Guard SAB ketika nk kasi zakat mama pada pelajar2 miskin SAB...
"uish, ape dh jd cikgu, makin kurus ni...."

Berjumpa Kak Ani (makmal) di makmal ketika pelajar sdg sibuk dgn eksperimen...
Kak Ani, "Ann makin slim aa skang..."

Dlm seminggu, dah 3 org ckp aku makin kurus. Yg plg pelik adalah Kak Ani yg sentiasa jumpa setiap hari.... ada org ckp sbb baju aku ari ni agak besar, so nmpk bdn aku kecik. Ke puasa di bulan Ramadhan ni dah menunjukkan hasil.... ataupun....
aku dlm era emotionally unstable

Iye, itu yg aku perasan tentang diri yg serba kurang ni.... setiap kali aku risau akan sesuatu... berat badan aku akan turun dgn mendadak. Kalau ada org yg sentiasa bertemu sua pn ckp aku nmpk kurus, bermakna berat badan aku sdg turun secara mendadak.... dan kesimpulannya, jiwa aku tgh kacau~

Apa agaknye yg merisaukan.... byk bende kot.
F1 ada sebulan je lg sblm pertandingan...
STPM Physics Percubaan lg 30 hari je....
KPM dgn kurang ajarnya pergi umumkan ke-reject-an mereka terhadap aku pada semua penjamin dan USM....
Duitku sekarang bergerak selaju air terjun....

Tp bila aku fikir balik... semua org ada masalah lebih besar drp aku.... aku takyah pn kene isi borang SAPS tu... aku takde anak nk kene siapkan masak dan kemas rumah... aku takyah pn nk update2 file kelab ke ape semua tu.... aku ajar pn stakat 2 kelas je. Kelas aku pn 11 org je.... so, kenape jiwa aku terasa sgt kacau...? sbb aku sgt mengada2... baru ada kerja skit pn dah nk membebel... nk jiwa kacau... malas makan... taknak bergaul dgn org... apekah Ann? mengada2 giler kot~

"Stop making those pity faces as if people would want to sympathize you..."

Oh, lupa pula... td ada ex-students STPM Physics 2010 dtg utk cop sijil2 diorg... aku dlu ajar diorg tak smpi 5 bulan pn... tp ada seorg ni telah mengeluarkan kata2 "Tcher, thank you for teaching us Physics last year..." dgn ayat mcm tu je pn... hati aku dah melted~

Unprepared

Di kala daku sdg melayan kebosanan yg melampau, terjumpa ayat2 ini dalam diari lama.
Karya ini terhasil sehari sblm final exam dlu2...

Dituju khas buat paper exam... tp dh tak ingat exam tajuk ape.
But the words may also be applied to anything related other than examination.
*lawakkan.... org sibuk blaja, aku sibuk tulis poem~ huhu*

Finally it came,
Hoping to pass by him,
...without looking back,
Hurriedly, quickly,
...please don't let him notice,
The incomplete of me.

Stiffing the dust of tomorrow,
My hand tried to grasp the emptiness,
Looking at the long road,
...Uninviting and unpleasant.
I have nothing with me,
I am unprepared,
But I have no other choice.... right?

Lying on the bed,
Looking outside through the dusty window,
Will I get through tomorrow?
Ya Allah, only You can decide,
And I will always follow...

Enchanted

Okay, I was suppose to be in her concert at London tp disebabkan final project presentation hari esoknye.... aku telah memilih presentation. tp kalau naik train mlm tu lps konsert sempat je utk presentation esoknya tu....Hehe. Skang masih terasa rugi super tak g konsert dia kt London hari tu~~~
yg kt singapore pn terlepas jugee~~

Please dun be in luv with someone else...
I was enchanted to meet you....



okies, aku terasa live dia yg ini juga agak super! hehe ^^


akhirnya aku blaja gak cara nk letak youtube dlm blog.... nyahahaha XD

A simple line

"A simple line can make u laugh... or cry~"
.:Westlife~ Flying Without Wings:.

Yes, just by a simple sentences or even a simple word...

1) Strangers of different backgrounds and attitude can become friends for life. The kind of friend in need is a friend indeed....

3) Friends can turn into lovers. If they r brave enough to confront their own feelings... dan diorg betul2 berani untuk berhadapan dgn feelings dalam diri sendiri dan tak menipu kata hati diri~

2) Friends for years could become enemy for life.

3) Roommates for 4 years can become enemy in sleep (dalam kata melayunye, gunting dlm selimut)

Okay, I get it that both of u are not in good terms with each other.... but please leave me out of this mess. What's the reasons of all the questioning... if u could think deep, the questions are all directed to a fight and war... then let's stop this.

Why can't human just think only about the good of others??? Itu akan membuatkan hati lebih tenang kan~~

Seperti lirik lagu YUI: Again
"Stop making those pity faces as if you are the only victim here..."

Reflecting

Assalamualaikum,

This week is the most frustrating week. But I did say the same thing for last week... haha. but this week is really the worst.

I've reached the point where I keep on asking myself, "What is the reason for me to be here? Everything that I try to touch crumbles down..."

1) I received the memo from Kementerian Pelajaran Malaysia that my request will not be granted. They will never approved of me going to pursue my PhD. I always think that this is what I always wanted. To just stay here. But, seeing how devastated my parents were, hurt me a little.

2) STPM... I had enough of this. I woke up early morning just to study the papers but still I couldn't get the answers. "Cikgu, I want to hantar u to mahkamah syariah... Why?... Because u always bagi ajaran sesat to ur students.." ZAP- tertusuk hati ini... But it is my own fault. Due to my frustrating era skang... I couldn't focus much on soalan2 fizik stpm. Fokus laa Ann~

3) Besides, this is the week I 'gaduh' with that person. The devastating moment keep piling in. As they say, 'Misery Loves Company'... Whoever feeling miserable akan selalu menarik org lain utk rasa miserable juga~

Akak aku dlu pernah ckp, "Ann, lepas ko jd ckgu kan... ayat2 ko skang sgt kurang ajar" Her words really being keep deep in my heart. Mama pn slalu tegur "Mulut tu cuba jaga skit... asyik menyumpah2 org je..." Dan aku pn perasan... lps jd ckgu, aku mmg sgt kurang ajar, sgt kegedikkan yg melampau, ske kepoh psal org lain, slalu menyusahkan org lain, mengumpat secara non-stop, slalu banding2kan orang... what the hell is happening to me? Hati ini terasa menjadi sgt hina... Bila agaknya jiwa ini boleh jd suci sepanjang masa~??

But, as I realized about it at this moment. I should start to change myself now... Aku bertekad taknak aibkan org lg, taknak dgr ttg keaiban org juga. Mulut yang 'kotor' ni perlu disucikan kembali... Even though perubahan tu memerlukan masa... aku takleh senang give up. Bak kata En. Azrin, yg penting dlm kebaikan adalah istiqamah, supaya dapat melatih diri sentiasa melakukan kebaikan... lgpn, Sabar tu mmg kunci segala jawapan. Kenape org selalu kata "sabar itu sebahagian daripada Iman?" ... sbb kesabaran adalah kemuliaan dan org2 yg penyabar semmgnya org2 yg mulia.

Seperti lirik lagu YUI: Rain "Like how heavy rain can change into soft snow, this heavy feelings can be softer too..."

Get It Right

Have u ever wonder, what is the right thing to do?

ku sentiasa terfikir cara terbaik untuk selesaikan masalah. If this the right way? What will they think? How would he think? Will anyone get offended? Semua persoalan ini akan sentiasa berlegar2 di minda sebelum sesuatu keputusan dibuat. Akhirnya, tanpa fikirkan jawapan utk setiap persoalan, aku akan buat je... lantak aa ape yg akan berlaku. Yang penting, niat aku adalah baik... insyaAllah~

In the end, dia dtg blk. dia berborak balik. dia senyum balik. Tak kesah senyum palsu ke tak... sbb kalau dia senyum, org lain akan ikut senyum... tu yg penting. Spreading oneself kindness~

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight". The only right thing to do is to smile honestly. So let's smile (^_^)

UnEasy

It's the 3rd morning... everytime I wake up, the uneasy feelings keep coming back. Did I dream about something bad... or is it still because of him?

Everytime I tried to remember the things that I have done, I cried. Nampaknye, aku mmg senang terasa hati... Aku tak setabah mane pn... I really hate the feelings of losing a friend. Kenape manusia mesti selalu bw diri jauh2...? Saje ske tinggalkan aku sorg2...?

The moment before it happened, aku solat tarawikh kt Masjid Kolam Air. Dalam ketika semua org buat solat Witir, aku buat solat Istikarah... dgn niat nk buat witir kt rumah, walaupn biasanya gone kpd tido.... hihi. Dalam solat tu, aku terdoa agar Allah sucikan hatinya, muliakan dirinya. And I guess, Allah benar2 makbulkan doa hambanya di bulan Ramadhan and now I do believe with the saying "be careful with what u wished for". If it really gonna happens for good, ini bende baik... kan?

Aku dah merasai kehilangan 3 orang kwn baik secara emotionally, where I have been deeply hurt. Bukan meninggal dunia ye... itu sorg je skang ni, Arwah Azmi Bin Muhammad Nor (Al-fatihah utknya)... So, can I save this 4th friendship? I dun wanna lose anyone anymore... Ya Allah, bantulah sekian hamba-hambamu ini~

The Hardest Words

Dedicated from me especially to you

Feeling the guilt,
of not knowing what to do,
I cried bitterly last night
Thinking of a person that I'd hurt
The person that I should be caring the most

I tried to act naturally
Hopefully these feelings will go away
'Time will heals'
I want to hold on to that knowledge
But it wouldn't work that way, will it?

There's a lot of things I want to say,
In front of your eyes, truthfully
In a casual conversation each and everyday
But in the end,
Even though I know words aren't enough
From the bottom of my broken heart
"I am trully sorry"

Jiwa Kacau...

Sy mempunyai seorg sepupu perempuan yg sgt hebat. Dia merupakan pelajar terbaik STF tahun... tak ingat tp tua azli sethn... so lahir tahun 1979. kira sendiri laa SPM dia tahun bila eik... haha. tu tak penting. yg penting dia adalah Pelajar Terbaik STF... SEKOLAH TERBAIK di MSIA PADA TAKAT INI...

Then, dia blaja2 semua disponsor...bla2... smpi dia dpt kerja super power. Manager Telekom Malaysia yg bergaji super $$$$$. Dia merupakan seorang gadis kampung yang sentiasa dibantu oleh pelbagai pihak utk sampai ke tahap yg sungguh membanggakan.

Dia telah berkahwin 6 thn lepas kot, dengan seorang lelaki yg pada aku agak ensem, dan baik, dan beriman.... namun, setelah mendapat 2 org cahaya mata, dia telah mengambil keputusan utk meletakkan jawatannya yang sungguh berharga $$$$$ tu.... kesahnya telah membuatkan satu kampung Pt Marjunid kecoh.... semua org2 yg telah bersusah payah menolong dia belajar smpi super tinggi telah terasa hati~~

I am in her situation now. I want to get married, have kids, and have a beautiful family life ahead. I am thinking, I'm 25 now. If I want to have kids, it's should be within this age. I want to grow old, looking at them getting their degree or just be happy with their kids, or my grandkids....

(berckp psal kids... nanti aku nk citer satu kesah psal aku hampir2 nk amik sorg budak comel ni sbg anak angkat, tp telah diketawakan oleh mereka2... so aku tak amik dia... tp dia sgt sweet giler~~~)

But seeing my parents to go beyond their limits and edge just to make sure I can continue studying my PhD in Astronomy, making my heart feeling numb. I dunno how to react. I used to ask my sister, "Ape jd kalo tiba2 aku tak g PhD sbb aku nk kawen... ko rasa camne?" and my sister's answer struck me until now, "Ko giler ke ape? Mama dgn papa susah payah naik turun batu pahat... rendahkan diri utk call semua org supaya tolong ko... senang2 ko nk ikut hati ko je utk lepaskan." Even when I am writing this, my tears can't stop flowing down my cheeks.

I am really in super debt with my parents. Aku dh byk susahkan mama dgn papa. Mama pula byk kali minta maaf masa dulu2 tgk aku kerja cikgu ni mcm sgt byk dan terseksa... Aku leh dikategorikan anak derhaka gak ni.... Mama dgn Papa, Ann minta maaf sgt2 sbb tak pernah senangkan hati Mama dgn Papa