hatred

Assalamualaikum,

I recall that moment, when someone taught me 1 thing that I am still learning till now.... hatred

(Kita hanya mampu benci perangai dia, bukan orangnye)

I'm not a saint, even though I tried many times to accept that person as who he is and whom he is becoming, but due to his past mistakes... everytime I look at him, that anger and disgusted feelings keep crawling back inside of me. I know, people make mistakes... and I make mistakes... so this is just the nature of life. but.....

He made 1 huge mistake, and we confronted each other. I cried bitterly and speechless looking at the sin they had done. and he cried bitterly thinking about how stupid of him to make those mistakes.... we reconciled... but after a few month, i caught him red-handed, that he was doing it all over again.

So, what is the meaning of atonement??
How many times should he be doing the same mistakes until he learned his lesson?
And how long should a person atone for their mistakes, that we can actually see that they are regreting it?

That is why I had enough of saying, "aku tak layak benci org sbb aku pn bukannya baik sgt..."
Now... I hate him, and I am declaring that I could not stand being near him....

But, deep inside, I still want to save this soul... but, how? with repetition of the same mistakes... again and again... Am I that strong enough to uphold the same feelings of pity and regrets??

I guess the only answer is "sabar"

Usaha dan doa...

Assalamualaikum,

Usaha dan doa... Yup, i know that much that both are equally important. But sometimes, i kept on wondering, in which way should I be 'berusaha'?

I've been praying all the time. Even when I was a baby. It's not that I'm don't believe in the power of a doa... but, I think, for doa to happen, we ourselves should change towards that doa. I have deep faith in doa. And because of that, I am determine to change myself into a better person.

Yes, CHANGING. I'm beginning to learn that doa sememangnya dtg dgn usaha. So, to find my own love life (which i know, the hardest part in my life...) there must be something wrong with me somehow. Why I'm still single throughout my 25 years of living? I'm pretty determined, that I am changing myself now. Not completely. I hope there will always be my own principle in my own life, but I am changing to be a better woman than I was before. I will change the way I look, the way I walk, the way I talk, laugh, smile and the crucial part is... the way I think.

I want to be strong, I want to be kind..... (yasashiku naritai by Saito Kazuyoshi)

pissed

Okay, I know that I'm not as rich as you are. I can't afford to buy expensive things like u all did. I can't belanja all of u to nice meals... I know, my salary is so small and to live in a high standard lifestyle as u guys are out of my reach. And I know that my debts are very deep.

But please don't treat me as I'm the poorest of them all. My bill is more than rm150, so what? I still can afford to pay it. I want to eat good food, I still have a few bucks left to buy them. So why are you so fussy about my own financial treatment. Stop treating me and say out loud "takpe2 ann, aku byr... aku mampu" WTH! I also mampu ok. "ann ada duit tak, amik laa skit ni" I know my own financial, so leave me alone. STOP treating me like I was in the "BERSAMAMU". Yes, I'm not rich enough. Yes, I have debt in my account. Yes, I can't afford to even enter those expensive stores like u did. But please leave me alone. Don't stress me out man~ It makes me living with you guys giving me a LOT of pressure... Now, that's why I'm seldom at home. I'm sorry, but this is who I am. Just let me be thankful with whatever I have... for now ^^

F1 in Schools (Infinity F1 Team 2011)

Infinity F1 Team

Despite all the rumours, haters, lovers, supporters, tiredness, sleepless nights, foods, disruption, betrayal, unsatisafaction, beatings, embarassments, arguements, fights, laughter, smiles and all other things that we learned.... We had become a better person inside and out.

Best Team Identity

Engineers at work

Infinity F1 Team vs Swifter

To all the F1 in Schools members, THANK YOU for giving me the opportunity to experience all of them.

The day when I'm speechless

Assalamualaikum,

I kept on wondering, when will the day that I will learn to love someone so deeply come~?
As how they always thought, every question will have it's answer. And answers for questions about life are always in the form of paper 2 science paper, part B : essays.

We had it all. I thought, I was giving my full responsibilities to it. I was taking it for granted. I keep on pushing them beyond the limit. And when the moment showed the result, they are depressed. 1.158s from 1.045s was A LOOOT different.

At that moment, I knew I had to say something. A good words? An encouraging phrase? A scolding node? I have no idea. And for that, I was speechless. I couldn't think of anything. I never felt the silence so loud in my life. All I could do was standing besides them... hoping my feelings would be conveyed to them, without the use of any words...

"I'm sorry for being a jerk to all of you..." I wanted to say this soo badly but my mouth just wouldn't move. I guess my ego has taken charge of my rational mind. I was so selfish. They need me more than anyone, but I was taken back by tiredness and ego, that I was starting to lose the grip.

Losing is a great experience as well. At least I know that much... but, when it involved someone who are becoming a dear to me... Hurting them by losing is not an option. It hurts so much to see them learning the experience of losing... But it is still for the best of them. I believe that with this experience, they will become a better adult that the rest of the kids now ^^